The ex factor

The ex factor 
IS IT OKAY TO GO OUT WITH A FREIEND'S FORMER LOVE,OR WILL IT SPELL THE END OF YOUR FREINDSHIP.BY SABRINA NATHAN

I was doing a little window shopping when a familiar voice said hello. Familiar because it belonged to the ex-husband of my friend Ruth*, divorced for several months. I knew him fairly well, although certainly not as

well as I knew Ruth, who had been a friend for years before she met and married Paul*. I knew quite a bit about his faults too, thanks to Ruth. But here he was, and I saw no reason not to be polite. Friendly even. I said hello back. We chatted for a couple of minutes, catching up, and he pointed out it was almost noon. Would I like to join him for lunch?

Why not?

Lunch was fun. Paul had always had a good sense ofhumour, and we found plenty to talk about- carefully avoiding a discussion of Ruth. We each paid our own bill and went our separate ways. But two days later, he called. He had a coupon for a better restaurant — would I like to join him for dinner? It would be a shame to waste the free meal. We had another meal and conversation, and afterwards went back to his apartment where we got a little more than friendly We agreed to see a movie together the following weekend. "I’m doing okay despite the divorce," he commented as I got ready to head home. "Work is good, this place is good. All I needed was a girl- friend, and now I have you ." Not what I'd expected to hear. We’d gone out exactly twice, with a third date planned. I certainly didn’t consider myself his girlfriend. And if that’s how he felt, what would this mean for my relationship with Ruth? How would she feel about me dating her ex? Should I be doing this?

To Robin Milhausen, an associate professor who teaches human sexuality at the University of Guelph in On tario, the answer is clear: "Don’t do it. Men know not to go after a friend’s ex it’s part of their code. It’s not as explicit among women, but it’s a good rule to follow." There arejust too many risks. "Your friend may feel you don’t have empathy for the hard times her ex put her through," Milhausen points out. "You’re going to be dealing with divided loyalties - what will you say if she starts badmouthing him? Or if he wants you to choose sides?" But what if the friend gives you permission? “It might be okay iftheir relationship wasn’t all that serious or if it ended a long time ago," suggests Milhausen.

 "But there are still likely to be challenges with both parties." Sheila* can relate. After ending a difhcult relationship, she was begin- ning to think there were no good men left when she started dating Keith"°."He treated me so well." Keith had also recently ended abad union: eight years with a woman he described as controlling. Because of this, Sheila says, they were both cautious, which may have prevented them from developing real intimacy. "We never fought, but I think Keith could see it wasn’t going to work. He broke up with me after about four months.

" Sheila was hurt. “Naturally, I cried on my best friend’s shoulder. I’ve known Carrie* since I was four; she knew about what I’d been through with the oth er men I’d dated, and she knew how important that relationship had been to me." At some point, Carrie asked Sheila how shc’d feel ifsomconc she knew started seeing Keith. "I told her it would really upset me." Months later, she learn ed Carrie and Keith were together. "I suspect they’d been dating for a while before I found out.I felt as though she was doing it to hurt me. I felt betrayed by them both." Their friendship ended. Sheila eventually married another "good guy" and has tentatively renewed her friendship with Carrie, now married to Keith. "It’s not the same, though," she says. “I can ’t totally forget how I felt." MINDFUL OF THESE warnings, I broached the topic carefully the next time Ruth and I got together. How was life post-divorce? Was she seeing any one? What did she hear about Paul? "What will you

say if she starts badmouthing him? Or if he wants you to choose sides?"

What would she think if one of her friends started dating him? Ruth’s answer was instantaneous and heated: "One of my friends? That person would not be my friend any more. It would be a total betrayal." The next morning, I called Paul and told him I couldn’t see him again, that it would destroy my friendship with Ruth. He wasn’t happy, but I knew I'd made the right call. I wasn’t going to add more pain to what Ruth had gone through. Even today, she doesn’t know about our "dates." A few years later, I made an entirely different decision. I’d met Ella* and Tom* as a married couple and we became close. At first they seemed devoted, but the cracks in their marriage soon became obvious. I cringed when Ellawould shout: "Tom, get in here and clean this up. Wh at’s wrong with you?" He was less inclined to yell, but got in his own digs.

 The marriage ended. I had not talked to Tom in months when he called to say he was going to be in town and asked if I would like to go out to dinner. I had always felt a flicker of attraction between us and was acutely aware we were both single. We went for dinner, went for a walk, stopped for some drinks and ended up spendingthe night together. Over the next few weeks, the relationship began to deepen: getting togeth- er for weekends; talking for hours on the phone when we were apart. One important topic ofconversation: "What do we tell Ella and when should we tell her?"This felt different from my experi ence with Paul. For one thing, I’d been friends with Ruth before she married Paul, so I felt more obliged to be loyal to her.

We’d been through a lot together. And while I didn’t see their mar riage breakup as entirely one-sided, I knew Paul had hurt Ruth.In Tom and Ella’s case, I was more her friend than his at first, but over time my friendship with Tom had grown — even when they were still married. We agreed Tom would tell her. When he mentioned it casually, she simply said, "Oh? Okay." TOM AND I BROKE UP after 18 months (and I still miss him). Would I date an- other friend’s ex? I won’t say no. At our age, there are simply fewer singles around. What’s more, I knew Tom be- fore we ever got together; he didn’t have to explain his divorce and family situation to me, and I didn’t have to warn him about my quirks. Given the realities of over—4O dating, it’s no sur- prise we seek new partners within our circle of friends and acquaintances, where a shared history makes dating more comfortable — even ifhis ex is

your friend.